Two days before my period was due, I tested. Positive. I took the test apart to check if it was a false positive.

It wasn’t.

This was our first month of trying. I was shocked, even though I felt I was pregnant due to my sore and swollen boobs and digestion issues.

I’m terrified again. I was terrified as soon as we started trying. The postpartum hemorrhage. The depression and anxiety and insomnia. But mainly, the hemorrhage. And all the risks – miscarriage, still-birth, birth defects. I was being driven crazy by the anxious thoughts. I went back on Prozac this past week, 10mg. I’m on 50mg Trazodone for sleeping. Singulair and Zrytec and Nasalcrom for asthma and allergies. Vitamins. Benedryl or Unisom for falling asleep. I’ve been seeing a therapist again since August.

I’m 10 lbs heavier than when I was pregnant the first time. I got out all my maternity and too-large clothes last weekend. I sort of felt I was tempting fate, getting it all out so early, but I wanted to do it before I started feeling too bad and because my other pants were already starting to be unpleasantly tight.

I don’t know if I will get any genetic testing done this time. I’m 36 instead of 33 now. If my insurance does not cover it and I can’t get a discounted rate, then I won’t. If they will, then I might. You can also find out the gender a lot of times with those tests 10 weeks before the anatomy scan and that’s what I’m interested in.

The due date is Halloween. Gabe was due on Labor Day (came several days before that). Halloween would be an excellent birthday.