A Positive Test

After years of having various medical tests come out negative, I’ve finally had a test come out positive. And this was a test I definitely wanted positive.

I went off the birth control pills in May, so it took about 6 months. I’m only about 4 weeks along and my first prenatal appointment is January 24th. I know a lot of people wait until after the first trimester to announce to people, but as you can see, I’m not. We’ve already told our families. Even if I should miscarry today, I don’t want to act like this first baby never even existed.

About a week after the baby was conceived, I had a dream. In it, I had a baby girl in my arms and, although it made no sense in the context of the dream, I said to myself, “It looks like I really am pregnant”. It was a very vivid dream. Up until the first positive test, I tried not to get my hopes up to much. After all, it seemed crazy to base my hopes on a dream. If it turns out to be a girl, well, that will just be spooky.

I’m not sure I’m excited so much as terrified. Terrified of a miscarriage, that there will be something wrong with the baby, that it will be stillborn, of labor, and of all the terrible things that could possibly happen once the baby is born and out interacting with the world. Especially with what happened at the elementary school in Connecticut recently. And I’m terrified about actually taking care of a baby. I have no experience with them, other than reading Baby-Sitters Club books (and we all know how accurate they are…). I have a niece and a nephew, but it’s been 18 years since the younger one was born and back then I wasn’t much interested in babies.

Every time I have even the slightest twinge in my abdomen (and there’s been several, as is normal), I worry that it means I will be losing the baby. I had no idea I would feel this way once I was pregnant. Before, my concern was just about getting pregnant. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to. Not for any real reason, just that with all my other medical problems I had in the past, infertility just seemed like something that I would have, with my luck.

I’m also anxious about my health. I’ve had problems in the past with high blood pressure and my resting heart rate still is too high. My blood pressure has been on the verge of being too high recently, but my diet has also not been as good as it was earlier in the year when I was able to go off the blood pressure medication. I need to start eating paleo again. After I eat up the Christmas cookies my mom gave us yesterday.

I would rather have a girl, I think, at least for a first child. I don’t know why really. I don’t think I want to give birth to more than two kids. If we ever get to be well off financially, I think I would like to look into adopting an older child (as in, not a baby or toddler) or two.

One thing I will not be doing is reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I read the reviews on Amazon on it recently. I hadn’t known it was such a horrible book, since it’s so popular. I’m already scared enough, I hate to think of how I would be if I read it.

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