Somedays

Some days when I’m not feeling too bad but not quite well enough to actually do much of anything, I really miss things I used to do.

I haven’t been bowling in several years and there’s no chance of me doing at the moment. Considering I can’t raise my arm to grab my towel in the bathroom without wanting to scream in pain, rolling a bowling ball down a lane is out of the question. But while I do miss it, because it’s so out of the question for me at the moment I don’t miss it too much.

The things I really miss lately are the things that I can still do, but only for short increments. Such as working on puzzles or art projects. Or, as in the last two days, painting these Halloween ceramics I have. Just as recently as this past summer I was able to do these things without too much trouble. Now, I have to stop after a half hour or so and go lay down. Partly from the nausea/dizziness and partly from the pain of using my arms. The same with playing Everquest II.

Some days I wonder if maybe I’m really not that sick. Or if it is all just from depression or an anxiety disorder. Those are the days when I don’t feel too bad. Then I get the days where reaching under my desk at work to plug in my laptop charger causes me to throw up in my trash can. Or when I think about the fact that I do have abnormal test results. Sometimes I just want to forget all the doctors and go off all my medications. But then I remember how high my blood pressure is without medication and how it was causing me to lose vision last winter and I know I can’t.

I received a notification in the mail from the cardiologist today. They set up an appointment for me for the 16th. The gastro’s office also called today and set up my scope work…it’s on December 10th, assuming he decides it’s okay to do so after he hears from the cardiologists.

  • *big hugs*

    I don’t think it’s all in your head. it makes me angry that you have to deal with all of this and give up so many of the things you used to enjoy.

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