I didn’t really want to write in here, but I’m at work and bored. I should say that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to write in here. I still love my websites and weblog. It’s that I’ve been kind of not happy with the internet and people in general. But I want to talk and Joe hasn’t been very receptive lately. He’s been acting oddly since we left Missouri. While I enjoyed my time off work and I enjoyed seeing the people in Indiana, I wish we had just gone home after that. I know Joe wanted to see his family and all, but he’s been acting different since we left and I just want our life back to how it was before we left. Maybe it was good for him, but it wasn’t good for our relationship. He is again talking about wanting to live in Missouri or somewhere close. I do not want to. If I move anywhere, it will be to someplace without snow and not in the midwest. Preferably near the ocean.
Aside from that, I’ve been depressed since arriving home. I go to see the Cardiologist next Tuesday. I’ve resumed intensely worrying about my health. Either being told something serious is wrong or that nothing is wrong are concerns. Obviously something is wrong since my heartrate is still way too high along with my blood pressure. I found out this past week that sleeping pills are wonderful. Very wonderful. Unfortunately, I only have 20 of them (about 10 left). My sleep is so much better. I actually sleep. I tried not talking one Saturday night and laid awake most of the night and then woke up every hour. I realize part of that is from being used to taking them, but I had nights like that fairly often even before I started taking them. It’s depressing to think about my options of what’s causing it. It’s pretty much an option of something serious (and probably uncurable) or just something uncurable. That’s if the cardiologist will even recognize that something is wrong with me. I’ve been reading board posts and some doctors are just like “well, it’s common in women your age. you just have to deal with it.”
Something else depressing is finding a job. I haven’t heard anything from the two places I’ve applied so far. There’s still a job that’s been advertised in the paper for awhile….doing classified ads online for houses and things. Good part would be that it’s right down the street. Bad part is that it’s not very interesting or creative. But I really need money so maybe I’ll apply. I’m not going to be happy going back to 5 days a week anywhere. I’ve gotten so used to only working a few days. Plus, every night after I do work I’m exhausted (even after getting about 8 hours sleep) and can’t work on anything for myself. Or else lately I’m too hyper-feeling and can’t concentrate. Plus then I’ll see Joe less since I won’t be able to stay up as late Wed and Thurs. Not that it really matters though. All he wants to do since we got back is talk online or play computer games.
I graduated. I now have a BFA in Visual Communications with a concentration in Digital Design. The official online ceremony isn’t till the 11th or sometime but I’m not planning on “attending”. One thing I’m happy about is that I managed to keep a 4.0 the entire time I was at AIU in my program. Before that, I went from having a 3.6 at HACC to having a 2.3 or something at Millersville. I forget what I had at RIT. While I’m happy I have a degree, I don’t want to be done with college. I like classes and learning new things. I can’t afford more college though.