I’m tired of not feeling well. I don’t think I remember what “well” feels like anymore. Thinking back to when I was in the hospital, I should have made more of a bigger deal of things maybe. I told the one doctor, who deals with immune disorders, about how I would feel tired all the time before and such, but he was the only one. I wasn’t lying when I told the doctors after my fever broke that I felt okay. I did feel okay. What I didn’t realize what that my okay is not a normal person’s okay.
Since the time of my illness till last week, I think I was riding on some sort of adrenaline high. It’s kind of hard to explain. I would be tired, but my body wouldn’t feel tired. I had a hard time sleeping but the next day instead of feeling exhausted, I’d feel normal body-wise (mind-wise is a different story). Usually when I don’t get enough sleep, I’m a zombie both physically and mentally. My body feels heavy. But these past few weeks, even when I’m tired, my body has never felt heavy. I often felt like going out and running a race, although I was tired at the same time. Occasionally I would feel exhaustion, but it would come in a wave and then leave. Most of the time anyway. I would describe myself during that time as tired or exhausted, but I think I kind of forgot or blocked out what that really meant for me. Until last week anyway. Monday last week I still felt that jittery sort of tiredness. Tuesday I woke up and thought, “I remember this”. My body felt heavy. I felt truely exhausted. I had no energy. I’ve been like that since then. In the space of a month, I had somehow made myself forget how I felt before I got sick. I spent most of my time exhausted. Maybe one day of out the week, I would have energy to get things done. I sometimes was too tired to even go to the movies with Joe. Being too tired (not sleep tired) to go to the movies is not cool. I just didn’t want to leave the apartment, I was so tired. It wasn’t usually because I wasn’t sleeping. I’d sleep around 9 or 10 hours a night, except for work days.
I’m really not sure what changed last week. My pulse and blood pressure are still the same (too high). My allergies are still the same. I’m shorter on breath than I was last week. For the past few days, I’ve had tiny dots of blood on my body, mostly my upper arms but some on my forearms and legs. I’ve had them before, although not for a long while. I was reading about them, I guess it’s caused by bleeding through the skin and is apparently not a good thing. But I know I’ve had it happen before years ago, so I’m wondering if it’s because of something new or something old.
I guess I should go back to the doctor, but I really don’t want to. I’m tired of doctors and no diagnoses. They’ll probably take more blood, do more tests, have them come back negative. I don’t know. I’ve also been getting dizzy and off balance while standing. It kind of sucks. No, actually it more than kind of sucks.