Today I did something that was very difficult for me.
I went to the cemetary.
This used to not be a big thing for me. It’s one street over from my house. My friends and I, and my boyfriends and I, would always go there. We’d walk around, laugh at the people’s names, sit on the benches, ride our bikes through it, make-out, and have long talks. Danielle and I even roller-skated in there. My grandfather has been buried in there since 1984, but I never thought much of it. I’d go to visit his grave but I had hardly known him. We usually stayed away from the baby cemetary and the pet cemetary. They were so depressing, the pet part even more than the baby. The pet owners would leave toys and things on the pet’s graves. The baby cemetary was usually bare and I think it wasn’t used anymore.
Today I wanted to take pictures and I knew I could get some good ones at the cemetary. I took some out in the backyard first and I almost lost my nerve to go there. But I started walking there and it was strange. My friends and I always used to walk around the neighborhood but I haven’t done it in years. It only took about two minutes to get to the road to cross to the cemetary. I crossed and felt a little less anxious once I was in the cemetary. I was composing a journal entry in my head and wishing I had a little tape recorder. I started taking pictures. I got teary when I saw an elderly woman bending over a grave with a wreath on it. I saw squirrels and felt better. I took more pictures. There were several people walking around for exercise. There were some visiting graves. Finally I came to my grandparent’s graves. I took a picture. I saw a fuzzydoodle* and put it on their headstone. I started crying. I walked away thinking I should have taken a picture of the grave after I had put the fuzzydoodle on. I couldn’t go back to do it. I went home.
* I call the puffy white seed things that dandelions turn into fuzzydoodles.
Taking and putting the pictures on my site were the only productive things I did today. I didn’t work on my schoolwork or the calligraphy pieces for the contest at work. *sigh*